In my last post, I wrote about the difference between repetitive tasks and rituals: how the same action becomes entirely different depending on intention.

In this post, I want to dive deeper into why ritualizing these moments is important. In a nutshell I’m going to make the case:

Rituals create conditions for achieving flow. And flow states matter because they foster deeper satisfaction and fulfillment in life.

To weave the connective tissue between rituals in caregiving and deeper life satisfaction (!) I’m going to have to get a bit into Flow Theory, the conditions required to achieve flow, and a very interesting study of a factory worker named Joe.

Stick with me here…

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The Granddaddy of Flow Theory

Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi originally stumbled into his groundbreaking concept of flow theory by studying artists in the 1960s. He noticed painters who became so absorbed in their work that they forgot to eat, lost track of time, and seemed to enter an altered state: completely present, effortlessly focused, and intrinsically rewarded by the process of painting itself.

He wanted to understand this experience scientifically, so for over four decades he documented this state across contexts: surgeons in operating rooms, rock climbers on harrowing cliffs, dancers on stage, chess masters in competition.

And he gave this experience a name that captured the sensation people described: “flow” (like being carried by a current.)

His research revealed:

1. Flow is a neurological phenomenon with identifiable conditions that anyone could access.

2. Flow is the foundation for understanding "optimal human experience”—the state where we as humans develop competence, accelerate learning, generate creativity and feel deep satisfaction.

Good stuff, Dr. Csikszentmihalyi!

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Conditions for Flow

According to Csikszentmihalyi, flow occurs when several conditions converge:

• Clear goals. You know what you’re trying to accomplish, even if the goal is simple.

• Immediate feedback. You receive constant information about how you’re doing.

• Challenge-skill balance. The task slightly exceeds your current ability: not so hard you’re anxious, but not so easy you’re bored.

• Focused attention. External distractions fade. You’re completely present.

• Sense of control. You feel agency over the activity, even within constraints.

When these conditions align, the prefrontal cortex of the brain downregulates (what researchers call “transient hypofrontality”) quieting the inner critic and linear thinking.

And then a cascade of neurochemicals flood in—dopamine (pattern recognition and reward), norepinephrine (focus and arousal), anandamide (lateral thinking and pain suppression), endorphins (pleasure), serotonin (satisfaction).

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The Performance Bias

Starting in the 2000s, researcher and author Steven Kotler took Csikszentmihalyi’s flow research to the next level in measuring productivity and peak performance.

Through his Flow Research Collective, he studied Navy SEALs, Fortune 500 executives, Olympic athletes, and elite creatives and documented exactly how to engineer flow states for exceptional achievement.

Kotler’s research is how I first encountered flow theory and his writing resonated with me deeply as an executive, creative and founder.

But Kotler’s flow research didn’t include me as a mom.

Why? He would likely disqualify early childhood caregiving from his research because the following characteristics don’t meet his criteria for achievement of flow state:

• Too repetitive (no novelty)

• Too constrained (no autonomy)

• Too interrupted (no sustained focus)

• Not “productive” in measurable ways

And at first blush, it’s easy to agree with him. The elements required for a high performing executive to achieve 500% productivity could never be relevant for a new parent— a baby’s needs shifts a thousand times in a day!

But before we dismiss flow in parenting, let’s revisit our buddy Csikszentmihalyi and dive deeper into his research into flow in repetitive work.

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Joe The Welder

In the 1970s, Csikszentmihalyi studied factory workers on assembly lines, trying to understand why some people found deep satisfaction in their work while others considered it soul-crushing.

During this period, he met a welder named Joe.

Joe worked the same station, performing the same motions, thousands of times. And he was great at his job. Joe had mastered every machine in the factory to the point that he could diagnose and fix any issue.

Management repeatedly offered him promotions, but he refused every one.

Why? It wasn’t because he lacked ambition…

… he’d transformed routine welding into an intricate game where the challenge was perfecting technique, anticipating problems, and finding flow in precision.

(Ehem… remember my concept of the gamemaster?)

The repetition wasn’t tedious to him: it was the training ground for mastery. Let’s look at the flow criteria Joe needed to turn his repetitive work into a game:

• Balancing Challenge and Skill: Joe did not just weld; he mastered every phase of the plant’s operation. He constantly increased the complexity of his tasks to match his increasing skills, keeping him out of boredom and in the “flow zone”.

• Clear Goals and Immediate Feedback: Welding provided instant, concrete evidence of success or failure: a good weld is visible immediately. This direct feedback loop allowed Joe to know exactly how he was performing.

• Deep Concentration/Immersion: The intense, focused nature of welding requiring precision allowed for complete immersion, causing Joe to lose awareness of time and surroundings.

• Autotelic Personality: Joe viewed his work as intrinsically rewarding, not merely as a job for money. He chose to treat the work as a craft, finding enjoyment in the process itself.

• Control and Autonomy: Joe was described as being able to fix any piece of machinery, giving him a high sense of control over his environment.

Csikszentmihalyi used his case study of Joe to illustrate that true satisfaction comes from deep immersion and skill development, rather than just material reward or status.

“[My research] has suggested that happiness depends on whether a person is able to derive flow from whatever he or she does… flow is the bottom line of existence (because) without it there would be little purpose in living”. — Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

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Getting back to Rituals

Welding is different from diaper changing, of course.

But we as moms, dads and caregivers CAN create conditions for flow just like Joe the Welder. How?

The ritual containers I wrote about last week—special time, the diaper changing rhythm, the feeding routine— activate flow triggers:

• Clear boundaries. The beginning and end are defined. This five minutes is different from the rest of your day.

• Focused attention. The container gives you permission to be fully present. Everything else can wait.

• Appropriate challenge. You’re meeting your baby or toddler where she is, adjusting in real time, practicing attunement.

• Immediate feedback. Her response tells you whether you’re calibrated—face lights up, body settles, attention focuses.

• Chosen participation. Even when the action is required (baby must be changed), you’re choosing the quality of your attention.

The ritual doesn’t guarantee flow. But it makes flow accessible, even if for a few minutes. Or seconds.

It transforms what could be 8,000 tedious obligations into 8,000 opportunities.

It’s the difference between repetition that drains and repetition that develops.

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If you’ve made it this far, kudos. And thank you for your attention.

I want to take this argument further and connect it back to how rituals & flow can shape what Csikszentmihalyi terms “Optimal Human Experience” (i.e. deeper satisfaction and fulfillment in life.)

But alas, I’ve run out of hours in the day I can devote to my long-form writing.

As I’ve said before, I’m always interested in feedback and input: if you have thoughts on any of these notions, I’m eagerly awaiting feedback and engagement. Please don’t be shy.